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Why You Gotta Be So Mean?

Look. I've never claimed to be Martha Stewart circa 2000. You know, prior to all that fraud and humanizing imprisonment. Hell, I am not even in the post jail Martha, deep in her Dogg era. Which let's be real, is a far more likeable and relatable version. Martha with a blunt and a bottle of Chardonnay? Yes, please.

In reality, I've always been more of a Linda Belcher type. The losing control of her bowels after a questionable breakfast burrito and being unable to find a bathroom- inevitably leading to her pooping in a bush in a park and getting arrested for being a public pooper, type of person.

That's not to say I haven't been trying though. I tried, and tried, and tried for years. To be the best partner, daughter, sister, niece, friend and auntie. But while also being career driven and always setting goals to achieve more. To continue with my education. To amass more knowledge and more pieces of paper that say I am a worthy person. A smarter person. A better person. You wouldn't want to peak or just be happy with what you have achieved. Society says that self worth equals productivity. Does it not?

Does anyone else face the impossible dilemma where what you want and enjoy is in direct conflict with what is woke and progressive? It's complete bullshit. As a woman, I am supposed to want, and have it all, while also being happy to stretch myself far too thin to make it all happen.

I enjoy domestic tasks (very triggering I know). I LOVE cooking. I like baking. I enjoy making my husband breakfast in the morning and drinking my coffee on the deck with him before he needs to leave for the day. Not very feminist of me, but it's the truth. And there is nothing wrong with that. It's taken me eight months of therapy and hard work to actually believe that. Eight long months of learning to love myself for who I am, and not for the potential I have to become something more or better.

And believe me, I know that nobody likes a person who starts therapy and suddenly believes that they understand and can solve everyone else's problems. I cringed and felt icky just writing that. But I need you to hear this. That person out there, whoever you are, whatever impossible standards you bending backwards trying to achieve are just that. Impossible.

So, be kind to yourself. And that does not mean practice self care. Don't get me started on self care. When people are struggling, telling them to practice self care (effectively just adding one more thing to either the list of shit they need to fit into a day, or adding to the list of shit they are doing wrong) is not helpful. So stop it.

When I say be kind to yourself, I mean listen to yourself. Listen to how you talk to yourself in your head. Do you treat yourself the way you treat the most important people in your life? Or is it much more critical and self deprecating? I certainly would never speak to Scott the way I had been speaking to myself for years. It would be cruel. And actually would probably be borderlining on verbal abuse or domestic violence if I did.

Want an example? I'll share the moment that I realized what I had been doing to myself for years.

Scott came into the kitchen , where I was trying desperately to find the right spices in my cupboard after 'screwing up' and not labeling them properly.

Scott: Hey, do we have any apples?

Internal Dialogue: Fuck. I did forget apples. God, I'm an idiot. Now I'll have to go back to the store and get some. Literally all you had to do today was get the groceries and you couldn't even do that right.

Me: No, I'm sorry. I forgot them. Sorry. I can go back to town to get them.

Internal Dialogue: Why is he even with you? You're so lazy. You can't even handle getting the food he likes.

Scott: No that's alright sweety, I was just wondering. I'll grab an orange instead. *Pops a kiss on my forehead*

Internal Dialgue: You're such a screw up. He works so hard to give you what you have, and you can't even remember fucking apples. Pathetic.

Me: I'm sorry *trying to hold back tears* I guess I'll just grab some the next time I'm in town.

Scott: No worries honey. They're just apples. I'm also very able to go to the store, you know.

Do you see the problem? Can you relate at all?

So when I say be kind to yourself, I mean listen. Be the mediator for your internal dialogue. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself. It's never going to look perfect. And it certainly won't happen overnight. But you are allowed to give yourself a break and you are ALLOWED to be imperfect. Believe it or not, you are allowed to be human.

So when that voice tells you that you are not enough, stop and say to yourself what you would say to a friend in the same circumstance. I bet it's a hell of a lot kinder. And way more realistic.

1 Comment

God I love this!!!!! ❤️ ❤️

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