I definitely never thought that I would be a blogger... ugh... even the word blogger makes me want to gag. It makes me sound like an impossibly thin woman with long, perfectly blown out hair. Probably wearing yoga pants, which my butt looks amazing in, and sipping on some sort iced coffee that is more whitener and syrup than it is actual coffee. Why do people do that? Add all of that crap to their coffee? If you don't actually like the taste of coffee then don't drink it. Seriously. Anyways, where was I? Ahh yes, I'm a blogger... with long flowing hair, flawless makeup and fearlessly typing out my world altering perspectives that are sure to put me on the top of the NY Times must read list.
Ha! In reality I am currently sitting on my couch, hair in what could generously be called a messy bun, feeling a wee bit bloated from my dinner of sesame chicken and fried rice, hunched over my laptop trying to write a blog post while also trying to decide if I hit a pedestrian on my way home or not.
No, I'm serious. I have a lovely condition that is most likely classified as purely obsessional compulsive disorder. You see, everyone has thoughts that pass through their minds everyday. Thousands of them. A healthy, functional mind has a little man in them that oversees the thoughts passing by and ensures they all soar through in an orderly fashion. My mind has a panicky little man that will often catch a glimpse of a thought, and press the big red button. Stopping the conveyor belt and causing a massive cluster fuck. I then fixate on that thought, going over it and over it until the thought becomes so familiar it feels like a memory. Until I am panicking trying to remember what never happened... until my mind goes numb and I inevitably have a panic attack or fall asleep from exhaustion.
Let me explain. You pass kids riding their bikes on your way home from work and you have a passing thought of, what if I hit those kids? If you even register the thought, you will likely think “Well that was a weird thing to think”and continue with your day. Today on my way home from work, I passed two kids biking on the side of the road. My mind wanders to the thought, "What if you ran them over?". Well, I didn't run them over, I have no memory of that. "Right but what if you did and you don't remember because it was so horrific you couldn't process it?". No that's nonsense. Shut up. "But why would you have the thought unless it was based in truth and you did run them over?" Fack that's a good point. And the cyclic thoughts continue until I inevitably come to my Hubby in tears, apologizing for my wrong doings and for ruining his life. I tell him I'll get a few things together for when the police come to get me. I hope he will be able to move on and trust again. He'll probably have to move, you know? You can't stay in small town with the shame of a murderous ex-wife hanging over you. Then he will laugh, kiss the top of my head and walk me outside to my car that is in perfect condition. No cracked head lights, no dents or scrapes.... and tells me, "If the car is fine, the kids are fine. Relax." And I do relax, because for a minute or maybe even a week, the calm man comes on shift in my brain and things run smoothly.
Fun right? And it is in part why I have decided to write, to... blog (ugh). Because talking about mental health is powerful. People being able to connect and laugh over these things is powerful!
I truly hope in the coming posts there are moments that give you a much needed laugh. Because we all have “stuff” we are dealing with. It's better to face it together.
Hold on to your hat Ethel!! It’s about to get real.
Love,
Kay
