Before I get started, I just wanted to thank everyone for reading and for all of your wonderful feedback. I truly appreciate it! Please feel free to share these posts on social media and with your friends and family. Scott has enlightened me that in order to grow this blog I will need to engage in the free advertising that is instagram/twitter etc. I know he is right, but for the time being I am still fighting it.
There are also some exciting changes happening. I have "revamped" the website and added a bunch of fun extras. Please feel free to have a look around. I am also writing a book (queue gasps). But, I will share more about that with you in posts to come. I have decided that life is too short not to just GO FOR IT. And keeping all of you in the loop will hold me accountable to that. I have also turned the comments on for all posts.
But let's get to it shall we...
Hello everyone. It's been a week.... And I am not sure if I am hormonal or if I am edging towards another lovely breakdown.
I was going to write something for you today that was a happy, upbeat lie and ignore how I have been feeling lately. But then I thought, no. I can't be the only one feeling like I'm in a parking lot searching for my car, in the middle of fucking hurricane. Blinded by the incessant downpour, waiting for the moment I am inevitably struck down by a runaway stop sign that has been carried away by the wind. Right?
So I thought I'd share. Because although we are all going through something different, knowing you're not alone in the darkness can make things seem just a little bit better.
I have this wonderful condition called PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It essentially means that I have these little cysts that grow on my ovaries. As a result I do not produce enough female hormones, and I overproduce male hormones. Which then in turn means I do not ovulate regularly and have incredibly irregular or non existent menstrual cycles. There is also a laundry list of other symptoms that a person can experience. For me it means I have lovely patches of hair on my chin and chest that have to be plucked regularly for my sanity, I have extreme difficulty losing weight and the inconsistent hormone production leads to irregular and unpredictable moods. Whoa.... doesn't that make me sound like an absolute treat to live with? Someone get Scott a medal!
Scott and I want to have children, so around a year ago I made it a priority to get my PCOS under control and well managed. Because if you don't ovulate, babies are kind of out of the question. And it has been going well on some mild medication. I have been able to lose weight and was able to get my cycle length down to 30days (even if it was fleeting). Which is remarkable considering I had previously gone years with nadda. But with this regulation also comes ~normal~ hormone levels. And because my body is used to non-existent levels of hormones, normal feels like a surge and mimics... you guessed it... pregnancy symptoms. Even though I am NOT pregnant. Looking at food makes me nauseous, but also strangely hungry? I go from smiling and playing with the dog to crying because, "What if she doesn't know that I love her!?". Not to mention headaches galore and feelings of the world falling apart around me, for no logical reason whatsoever.
I called by OB to review all my symptoms. All he had to say was, "Welcome to the land of the fertile". So ya.... thanks Dr. M. Your bedside manner and empathy know no bounds. You're an inspiration, truly.
And as you all probably know by now, in addition to being just plain neurotic, I also have anxiety. Which most likely stems from Purely Obsessional OCD. Not sure what that means? Well let me give you an example from the other morning. I was on my way to renew prescriptions and was taking the back roads into town, when I came up on a road closed signed. My immediate thought was, "Oh my gosh. What did I do? Did I hit somebody? That must be why the road is closed".
Then my rational brain kicked in and reasoned that I hadn't left the house all morning, so whatever had happened could not have been my fault. "But what if you did leave the house and whatever you did was so horrific you blocked it out?"
And the internal narrative went on and on while I drove until I realized I couldn't remember exactly how I had gotten where I was and OH MY GOSH what if I caused an accident and don't remember because I was so caught up in the thoughts of doing something wrong earlier and causing the road to be closed!?
Yep. I am just that nuts.
But while we are on the topic, my morning only got worse from there. When I arrived at the pharmacy a new tech who shall remain nameless took my script and loudly asked, "And WHAT are we TREATING?" Loud enough that all of the people around me overheard and involuntarily leaned in to hear the diagnosis. Although I logically knew I didn't have to tell this lady anything, I was so stressed and exhausted from my car ride into town that I answered her. I considered saying something arrogant like "Gonorrhea bitch", but I decided honesty is the best policy. I matched the volume of her voice and loudly said back, "ANXIETY and DEPRESSION", and when she looked startled and then immediately apologetic, I added, "I smile so I don't CRY," rather theatrically with hand flourishing .
That beeotch won't be bothering anyone else with unnecessary and probing questions for a while I suspect. And it also gave me a hell of a good laugh when I got back to my car. Does that make me a bad person? Meh... I don't really care.
So as we make our way through the messy week ahead of us, just remember you are not alone. We all have our ups and downs. And I think the absolute best way to cope is to try and remember to see the humour in all of it. And remember, even though we are going through something unique to ourselves, there are people out there who understand and are rooting for you! Me included.
P.S. Dr. M is actually a wonderful/brilliant physician and I don't know where I would be without him. He listens and gets my messed up sense of humour.... OBVIOUSLY. I'm in good hands!