I am sitting in my living room right now, dog at my feet and cat snoozing on the back of my chair. The Christmas tree is up and Scott really nailed the lights. Perfectly spaced. It's so satisfying. There is a little fire going in the woodstove and Scott is making me a big mug of peppermint tea (because his momma raised him right) and it has me thinking about how lucky I am.
How on earth we ended up here is beyond me. But I'll take it!
For those of you who don't know, Scott and I met when we were 12 years old and he started at my school. All the girls swooned, and me being the me, was determined not to like him.... on principle. I wasn't going to like the guy that everyone else liked. I was an individual! I was better than that!
Ya.... look at how far that got me.
We were friends all through high school and eventually started dating when we were 17. So far he hasn't be able to shake me. I am like a bad fungus. Just can't rid of me.... even with that antibiotic cream from the doctor.
—I've now been trying to think of a segway into my story for this lovely Sunday and I can't. So I guess we'll just jump right into it. My blog, my rules—
I was a pretty lame teenager. Other than getting into some hair dye, and drinking a bit (usually with family), I was basically a girl scout. Minimal parties, never skipped class, no drugs, no smoking.... What's the word for that again? Oh right, NERD.
I was also a pretty judgey bitch. I had some definite opinions on things I knew nothing about.... Oh to be young and confident. And because of this, I have multiple moments of internal cringing per week. You know what I mean?
When you are half asleep or stuck in traffic and your mind begins to wander. Annnnd then you remember something you did or said from ten to twenty years ago and it is so embarrassing/awful that you physically shudder and/or try to scream the thought from your head? Come on... I can't be the only one.
I also might be one the biggest hypocrites in the world. I thoroughly believed in high school that stoners should have been ordered to carry potted plants around with them to replace the oxygen they wasted breathing.
Ya... I was just a REAL treat.
Cut to the legalization of pot (ten or so years later) and I was faced with a real dilemma. Scott was buying the devil lettuce. Would I try it? What did it say about me as a person? It's no longer illegal. It's no different than buying a bottle of wine. Should I try it or not? After consideration I made my decision.
Ugh.... hell yes.
I slyly told one of my favourite people, Beatrice, that I was going to smoke my first joint at the end of the week on a Friday night (giving myself plenty of time to 'sober up' because what if I became high for days.... I don't know how this shit works). Thinking it was a huge revelation, I was nervous to tell her. But to my surprise, Beatrice lit up and told me I should go with edibles instead. Cuz, who wants that nasty smoke taste in your mouth when you can eat a cookie?
She even offered to share some homemade 'treats' with me. AND she gave me all the wisdom necessary to have a great first high experience. A ganga guru, if you will.
Munchies are a real thing. The wisdom Bea preached, was on point about what to have on hand. "Something sweet, something salty, something crunchy and something chewy. And water. You're gonna want water."
When I went to pick up the treats, Beatrice gave me her directions. In hindsight, this should have been my first warning to go FUCKING EASY on the brownies. But of course.... we all know you wouldn't be hearing about this right now if I had of heeded her advice.
Beatrice: Now, you're gonna take one of these and cut it in half. Then take the half and cut it in half again. Following me?
Me: Ugh... I think so.
Beatrice: Alright. So just start with half of a half, you know, for safety.
Beatrice: Safety. So eat one half of a half and wait 45mins. If you feel nothing, eat another half of a half.
Me: Okay, half of a half. Wait 45 and then another half of a half.
Beatrice: Right. Now this is very important. I can't stress this enough. Wait an additional 45mins after taking the second 1/4 and if you feel nothing, then wait an additional 15 minutes. Got it? Cuz' you don't want that shit hitting you all at once.
I eventually convinced her I understood and was on my way with a tupperware full of treats. And I shit you not, written across the top of the container was, "Adults only. They gots the weed in em. They will fuck you up!!!"
So I raced home and showed Scott my goodies. I explained the directions as precisely as I could and we were off to the races. First we smoked a joint. Not much happened for me. Probably because I am not a smoker and could barely inhale without hacking up a lung. This is when Beatrice's advice really hit me. Of course edibles are the way to go for a nerd like me.
We broke out the brownies and each took our 1/4. 45 minutes later, I wasn't feeling anything.... which was hard to assess because what exactly was I supposed to be feeling? So I popped another 1/4. 25 minutes later I was in the kitchen looking for a snack.
Looking back, I was definitely feeling something if the overwhelming urge to eat nilla wafers had consumed my soul. But in the moment, I didn't see it that way. I was walking back to my nest on the couch when I passed the container of brownies.
Hmmmmmm? I remember reasoning that I am not a tiny girl. I got curves for days. And as such it would probably take more than half a brownie to get me feeling good. Beatrice just didn't understand. I stood there considering my options for a few minutes when I made a game time decision.
I popped an entire half of a brownie in my mouth and made my way back to Scott in the living room. I settled into the couch and about 5 minutes later, I realized I had a warm sensation in my arms and that I could feel the insides of my hands.
Not in a creepy way. If that makes sense? Just that I was very in tune with the human body.
At some unknown amount of time later I heard Scott's voice cut through my meditation and I put my hands down (Not quite sure how long I had been holding them up in the air. But we won’t dwell on that).
Scott: Where is the other half of this brownie?
Me: I think I made a mistake.
Scott: You didn't!
Me: I did. And now I can see sounds!
Scott: Fuck me.
So at this point in time the original two quarters were kicking in.... but I was still 30 minutes away from the extra half I took all at once entering my system. Uh oh.
I looked up from my hand and decided the ground looked extra comfy and that I should take up residence there when I realized that I was in valley between two mountains. Still in my living room, but also in a valley. With really big squirrels. Who were vibin' with me.
Eventually I knew I needed to go to bed. I got up and headed for the steps. When I made it to the bottom and looked up I knew I was in trouble. The stairs were moving. Like in Harry Potter. And also changing direction. How the in the heck was I going to get to bed? I didn't want to fall down through to the dungeon. How on earth would Scott get me to the hospital from Hogwarts!?
I finally decided that on my hands and knees was the best option. If it works for toddlers, it will work for me!
It was perilous, but when I made it to the top I called down to Scott and asked how long it took me to make it up there.
Scott: I dunno, like 20mins?
And that was my first experience with homemade edibles. I have since mastered the art of 'riding the dragon'. But let me tell you, that first go was mind bending.
So please, everyone, when consuming edibles for the first time Beatrice and I can not stress this point enough - Start with half of a half... for safety!
P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to all you stoners from high school. Y'all had this shit figured out way before I did :) I've now come to the dark side. And I've brought cookies as a peace offering.
P.P.S. I still have not forgiven Scott for lying to me about how long it took to get up the stairs. It was actually 5 minutes. Every time I bring it up, he stills laughs like a school girl. That is what it's like to be in love with your best friend.