She's Back! And She's Lost Her Tractor Privileges
Well that was a way longer sabbatical than I was anticipating. BUT, it was just what the doctor ordered. I'm feeling refreshed. I am feeling lighter. I am feeling good.
Well okay, that's not exactly true. This spring has been a complete shit storm of adulting non-sense. Between fertility testing (which I am well aware is terrifying..... it seems completely irresponsible to me that a doctor is helping us try to get pregnant. Then I remember I am 29 year old woman who found a grey hair last week and not a 17 year old high school student), getting 15 chickens (to prepare for the eerily possible nuclear winter on the horizon), finishing my children's lit course, trying to write a book and pretending to be a reliable/accomplished/intelligent grown up at work that knows what she's doing (seriously... I am waiting for the day that they finally figure out I am a fraud), it has been pretty exhausting.
But it has also been exciting.
Part of the fertility testing is cleaning up the medications I take (ie the crazy pills that keep me out of the nut house). Apparently the heavy duty new class of drug I was on is not considered safe for someone trying to conceive. So, I was put on a far less effective drug and asked to do my best to make it work. Needless to say, it's been a blast for everyone involved.
I go from smiling and laughing, to sobbing at the drop of a hat. Seriously. Scott dropped my favourite hat on the floor and I started balling because the hat - and I quote - 'looked sad' when I picked it up. Gosh.... I wish I was making that up.
Oooooh, and fun fact! I have the progesterone and estrogen levels of a post menopausal woman. So not to brag or anything, but I am really ahead of my time.
Now I know what you are thinking.... Scott is a saint for putting up with me blah blah blah. But I'll have you know that he can be a nightmare as well. I mean, just the other day he made me a coffee and put sugar in it. And that's just enabling my sugar addiction. Complete bullshit.
AND he asked me to cut the grass this week, but got mad when I did it! You're girl can not win with this man. He says he is completely justified in taking away my lawn mower privileges, but I think once you have all the facts you will see it my way.
It started off well, like any other day of yardwork. Sun shining, birds chirping and shitting on my freshly washed deck. Ahhhh, the good life.
Scott changed out the lawn mower blades for a set of brand new ones for the first cut of the season. He took the mower for a test drive and was very impressed with himself. "Now we will have a nice even cut!" He sounded like a damn dad commercial.
I hopped on and thought it would be a great time to test out my new wireless ears buds. I set them to the noise cancelling function, blared some Blackberry Smoke, and took off on the mower.
Now, as for everything in life, I have set plan for the cutting the grass; two border laps and then strips up and down the lawn. The first lap is the hardest. Especially when you have a yard like ours, littered with landmines (dog poop, pieces of wood, ratchet straps, watering cans, wheel barrels, kittens and chickens). I will admit, my first mistake was assuming Scott had cleared the overgrown grass of any debris before letting me loose with the mower. I was trucking along, making great time, when the lawn mower came to a grinding halt, almost throwing me out of the seat. I quickly threw it in reverse so I could inspect what I had hit..... a freaking log. It was half shredded from the mower blades and I thought I had better get the hell outta there before the popo (Scott) came for me. As I started to pull away and continue with my mowing, I looked up and saw that I was busted. Scott was looking right at me, arms in the air, mouth agape.
I did my best "oh gosh, what even happened" face. But it was no use, he was already marching over to me.
Scott: You know those two things on either side of your nose? Round and blue?
Me: Ya.... Is this a trick?
Scott: Use them! I could see that piece of wood from across the yard.
Me: How was I supposed to know that it was that substantial? I thought the new blades would have cut right through it. Are you sure you got good blades?
Scott: I can't. Just, don't hit anything else please. You see that grey concrete well up by the deck? Blades won't cut through that either, so don't try.
I continued cutting, despite his HURTFUL sarcasm because I ain't no quitter. I was coming to the maple tree in the middle of the backyard and prepared to turn and cut around the base of the tree. I could see a chain at the base of the tree on the ground..... but I also wanted to make sure that there was minimal weed whackering to be done after (also was real comfy and didn't want to get off the mower to move anything). So I decided the best course of action would be to hug around the bottom of the tree, and just go around the chain that had been left in a pile.
Needless to say, I may have cut it a little too close to the heavy chain.
I heard severe crunching before the lawn mower turned it self off, and then silence. Ugh oh.
I quickly hopped off and looked under the mower, desperate to fix the problem before Scott could see. But it was no use. The chain had whipped around the four blades and hog tied the mower in place.
It was then that I looked up and saw Scott.... almost in tear, looking at me in disbelief.
He spent about 45mins in the garage, looking over the bottom of the mower and what was left of his new blades. Every 15 seconds or so, I'd hear a sigh from my perch on the deck, followed by a drawn out "Oh no... no!" or "Why, just... why?" and my favourite "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck".
I waited what seemed to be an appropriate amount of time (an hour or so) to use this experience as an educational moment for Scott. "You know," I explained, "these things wouldn't happen if you put things away."
Then he took away my lawn mowing privileges with no explanation. Just rude.
But enough about us, how have you been?
P.S. Does anyone need a cute and cuddly kitten? We currently have nine that need a good home or barn to live in. Now I must warn you.... the little rascals are adorable. So if you are planning on keeping them as an outside kitty, never make eye contact. Because before you know it, you will be sneaking them into the house to chill on the couch and keep you company after eating an edible while Scott's out on a call..... or so I've heard.