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Oh Happy Days

Well, we took the scenic route, but we got here. A day late is better than never right?

Today is my dad's 60th birthday! We had a marvelous meal of pizza, spaghetti and salad (because we ain't afraid of gluten 'round here), and over indulged in dessert.

Annnnnnd, because I know how much you all love to hear about the antics that my dad and I get into... I thought I'd share another story for the occasion.

Picture it: Sicily, 1924.....

And by Sicily I mean my parents house. And by 1924, I mean yesterday.

Look, I gotta thing for the gross and the disgusting. Sometimes that manifests in me watching pimple popping/in grown hair/infected toe nail videos online and at other times I decide to tackle the real thing. Because there is nothing like digging out an ingrown toenail in someone's foot or popping a cyst that just never quits.

I like to think I am a relatively skilled operator and can excise just about anything with minimal pain inflicted on my patient. Scott, however, feels that I am vicious and without compassion. And his whining -oh it hurts, stop!- really takes the fun out of it for me.

Enter dad. Dad never complains. And will squeak through gritted teeth when asked if it hurts, "Nope."

Like a man.

So naturally, I thought for his birthday I would give him a fabulous gift. A free pedicure from me. It was the perfect idea. He would get baby soft feet that it didn't hurt to walk on, and I would get to explore the prehistoric rock beds that are his feet.

You might think I am exaggerating, ooooooh, but I am not. It's like a picker's paradise on the heel of his foot. Little sharp bits of broken/dry skin sticking up everywhere. So satisfying.

I brought all my tools.

-Large Nail Clippers (known by dad as side cutters)

-Nail File (dad's description: sandpaper)

-Cuticle Pusher and Under Nail Scooper Outer (the stick)

-Foot File (dad's favourite.... the cheese grater)

And this last one I was really excited about.... I got it off of amazon.... it is like a razor blade on a stick for cutting off callouses like a peeler takes the skin off an apple.

-Foot Shaver

Now I thought my mom would be thrilled about this idea. But when I told her my plan, she immediately balked at it. Something about him losing a toe or ending up in the emergency department was said.

Scott wasn't impressed either... weird, I thought.

But I wasn't going to be deterred, because I knew dad would agree that it was a great gift. And I was right! As soon as I showed him my tools, he ran off and came back with a tub full of hot water and started soaking his feet.

It was going great, until it wasn't. I don't know where we went wrong.

My razor on a stick was working wonders. Little peels of skin were flying every which way, like a beautifully gross snow storm. His heels were turning from a jagged rock bed to baby soft pillows.

I brought up the razor for one last peel and as I brought my hand down it felt.... different. Like slicing through bread instead of butter? And then the blood started spurting. I grabbed the towel sitting beside me and shoved it over the gaping wound on the side of his big toe.

Dad: What happened? Oh shit.

Me: I am so sorry.... you didn't even flinch!

Dad: It didn't hurt.... is it bad?

I pulled away the towel and the blood came fast and furious, streaming out and down his foot in an instant. I quickly replaced the towel.

Me: Ya... ya i'd say it's pretty bad.

I attempted to fit a standard bandaid over the 'scrape', but the blood immediately began bubbling out and around the edges.

Dad: Diiirty whoo-err.

Me: I think I might need some help.

Dad: Get some electrical tape and wrap that sucker up tight. Don't tell you're mother.

Me: I am not wrapping you're foot in tape! Are you insane?

Dad: Shhhhhhh!

With that mom came around the corner.

Mom: What's wrong?

Dad: Nothing.

Me: I may have gone a little dee-

Dad: We're good. It's all fine. Nothing to see here.

Mom: Just tell m- Oh for christ sake! Is that blood?

Me: Mmhmmm.

Enter Scott.

Scott: Does any want a- What the hell did you do to your dad's foot Kay?

Me: Ugh....

Scott: You're a menace, you know that?

Scott turned around and headed back to the living room where he promptly told my brother and sister in law that dad was bleeding out.

Me: He didn't say it hurt or I was getting close to alive skin! Mom: He can't feel his feet at the best of times, you lunatics!

Me: Is that true?


After much consultation between the entire medical team in the kitchen, we decided to steri-strip the bottom of his foot together to stop the bleeding and wrap his entire toe in self adhering gauze.

After the excitement was over and dad and I were left to clean up our mess I went to take the basin of hot water away. Dad stopped me.

Dad: Think we could shave a little more off the other foot?

Me: It's your birthday....

And I started in on the other foot. Because I am an excellent daughter.

-Love, Kay


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