Domestic Bliss & Toilet Wine
I'm back bitches! Hello! How are you? I've missed you.
What a insanely busy couple of weeks it has been. I started a new job (which has been fan-freaking-tastic so far!), I have been working on the writing course I am taking, developing a novel on the side and also cracking the whip and making Scott work on renovations.
Now some of you might be saying.... but Kay if you can't do the renovation work yourself, should you really be hounding Scotty about it? And the answer is yes! Because if the news about leadership in this world has taught me anything lately it's that being in charge has nothing to do with experience or expertise. It's all about who has the biggest stick and the loudest yell.
Scott may disagree.... but he doesn't read these things anyways. Ha! And I do his laundry and make his meals. I'm also bat shit crazy. Crossing me would be sketchy and I think he knows it. Ahhhh, domestic bliss.
Also, can you believe I have had this blog up and going for 6 months now? Time flies when you're ranting and neurotic.
What else have I been up to? Well I am glad you asked. Earlier this summer, I decided that Scott and I needed to be more self sufficient. You know.... the height of COVID was scary as hell. And this is true for everybody across the spectrum. Regardless of your politics and if you believe in COVID or not (see how I just quickly glossed over that without ranting... currently patting myself on the back), I think we can all agree that seeing bare grocery store shelves and lack of access to everything was frightening. And this is coming from someone who is currently childless. Having a little person to provide for would have been another layer of stress that a lot of you endured.
The unknown was scary and also really highlighted just how lucky we are here in Canada to always have access to necessities when we need them. So, this year we doubled the size of our garden, we have increased the amount of firewood we are keeping in the woodshed, we keep gas cans full in the garage, Scott grew his own devil lettuce for crying out loud! I know it's silly, but it made us feel like we have more control. And it got me thinking... what else is important to me?
Well, wine... DUH! Bitch needs her spicy juice. So naturally I thought, if those hillbilly moonshiners can make liquor in the middle of the woods, surely I can make a gallon of strawberry wine in the comfort of my own home.... Ohhhh how foolish I am.
I started off by finding a homesteading website that had a highly reviewed strawberry wine recipe that could be made in mason jars. Seemed simple enough. Literally water, sugar and strawberries.... along with a few wine making ingredients like acid blend, tannin and yeast. Surely, I thought, I can do this. I ordered a fruit wine making kit online and once it arrived I was on my way.
My first indication that I was out of my league should have been when I opened the wine making kit and saw the big 2 gallon plastic pail. Huh? What the hell is that for, I remember thinking. Crap.... maybe I should actually READ the directions instead of just the ingredient list and skimming the instructions.
Turns out you mix everything in the pail and let it sit for two weeks sealed with an air lock. No problem. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. I put my two kilograms of strawberries into the pail along with 2lbs bag of sugar. Did you know that when you mix fruit with sugar the fruit 'sweats' out all it's juices and you get this wonderful fruity syrup? Freaking yummy! Anways, I finished adding all the ingredients together and sealed it up.
I figured I had FUCKING NAILED IT!
The next part was kinda gross. At the two week mark you siphon the liquid out of the mixture from the pail into a 'second fermentation vessel' which is just a fancy ass looking glass gallon jug. I popped the top off the pail.... and when I tell you that sludge was pungent... I mean if there had of been a candle lit, my house would have exploded from the fumes. And it didn't look much better. The strawberries had.... fermented (which is just a fancy word for rotted, let's be real).
But, ever the optimist, I didn't let myself panic. I looked at the dog and declared "We can do this!". She then immediately left the room.... a la 'You on your own, bitch'.
I got my jug set up beside my pail, placed one end of the siphon hose into the pail and one end into the jug. And now I waited for the magic to happen.
So after a very confusing couple of minutes I googled siphoning gas and enlightened myself. Apparently you have to create some negative pressure? Which means sucking on the hose until you get things flowing. Who knew?
It was all going good until it wasn't. I sucked on the hose a bit too hard and got a big mouthful of hooch.
This was a problem for two reasons. One, wine making is supposed to fairly sterile and my backwash definitely ruined that. Second, my lips and one cheek went completely numb after about two minutes. And I don't mean a little tingly.... I mean dentist frozen.
But again.... I am trying to be more positive. The alcohol content will kill any germs I thought. And surely, my mouth being numb is just a coincidence.
I finished the procedure and sealed it with an airlock and silly puddy (don't even fucking ask). I shoved the airlock too far into the lid and cracked it.... so I tried to seal the leak with silly puddy. It was a whole thing. Anyways, now the six week wait began.
FINALLY bottling day came, and Scott decided to join me for the joyous occasion. We poured out a little sip for each of us (as to not waste my precious creation). Scott had the first sip and I couldn't read the look on his face.
Me: Well, do you like it?
Scott: Umm, well.... its definitely ahhh... babe I am not gonna lie. It's not good.
Me: What? What do you mean?
Scott: Should it burn like whiskey? I don't think this can be called wine. It's ugh.... Oh! It's like what I imagine toilet wine would taste like.... you know? Like the booze prisoners make in their toilet.
Scott: Ya! Wait.... should my mouth be numb? What's the alcohol content?
Me: I don't know.... I didn't read all the directions and you can only figure that out by dipping the thingy in before and after, and the reading difference indicates the alcohol content. I didn't do a before.
Scott: We should be careful who we give this to. They might go blind If they have a whole glass.
Now, I think the worst part about this was the smile on Scott's face when his brain clicked and he 'figured out' it tastes like toilet wine. Asshole.
So now I have eight bottles of Kay's Strawberry Potty Shine that I am afraid to drink or give away to anybody but people I am sure will not sue us. I think the reason is fairly self explanatory.
Well, that was my week... How was yours?
P.S. As I was writing this, Scott came up and gave me a hug. He then said that he has no idea how he got so lucky. I then told him that I feel bad for calling him an asshole in this post. When I told him why, he said “Thats not fair! That stuff does taste fucking awful!”
So he doubled down. And now I don’t feel bad for the asshole comment 😉
P.S. Scott says if anybody wants a bottle for posterity, you can pop buy and grab one. We’ll just write “For external use only” on it or something. You know, for legal reasons.