Okay, listen. We're getting back on track. With everything. Enough is enough. I have been overwhelmed the last few weeks with changes. And when this happens I have a tendency to shut down and only focus on the essentials. Get up, go to work, eat, sleep and repeat. But no more!
We are strong, confident, kick fucking ass women (and men....or ya know, how ever you self identify over there). And we are worth MORE than that! SOOO, I've gotten my act together. Writing is getting done. Ten minutes for makeup and hair in the morning is being taken. Walks with the dog are being took. I've even painted my nails and started an exercise program for crying out loud! I'm choosing to ignore the half eaten terry's chocolate orange sitting beside my cup of tea (because everything in moderation, right?) and proclaiming that I am getting my shit together. And if I can do it, you can too.
Take some time for yourself each day, even twenty minutes, and do something that makes you feel accomplished and happy. Drink that cup of tea, do that stretch before bed, treat yourself with a turtle whenever you don't punch that bitch Josie from accounting in the throat. Because you deserve it!
But now I think we best get down to the good stuff before I entirely lose your attention.
We're back with your favourite segment! The highly anticipated part two of things that I just can't stand. A list of things I despise... from N to Z. Let the vent sesh begin!
N- Nap Fog. The absolute worst. Waking up from that luxurious mid afternoon nap, only to have a headache so bad that you can't fully open your eyes. Not to mention a trail of drool that goes down your cheek, over your arm and puddles on your boob. Ugh.
O- One Ply Toilet Paper. Look, I am all for being economical. Time's have gotten tough in the Obsessive House in the past. But you simply can not scrimp on shit tickets. We did it once. I'll save you the gory details. But when you wipe with one ply.... that stuff just dissolves and you might as well be wiping with your bare hand. It's not the mud mask your fingers were hoping for.
P- People Who Have No Humility. Ever met one of these assholes? Sticking to their guns and never willing to admit that they were wrong? I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Everyone makes mistakes and no one knows everything. And the sign of a true professional.... someone who is truly accomplished and confident.... is that they are willing to admit when they are wrong or don't know the answer.
Q- Questioning Everything. You know those people that you can't say anything to without them arguing your point or pretending to have knowledge on a subject they know nothing about? Yep.... I've envisioned putting these peoples' heads through a wall a time or two.
R- Ridiculous Enthusiasm About Dry Months. You know what I am talking about... when your friends who do Dry January or Sober October insist on announcing it to the world. Ugh, look.... you do you. But imma do me. And right now, me wants a big ole box of wine and a cheese plate. Keep your sober shit over there.... you're harshing my buzz.
S- Social Media. I don't care about what you ate for lunch. I'm not gonna comment on your (obviously a cry for help) post, I don't want your doctor google opinion on vaccines or child rearing AND I definitely do want to hear about your politics. Now some may point out that this is a little hypocritical since this is a blog, and that this is far worse. I mean, I have a whole web site dedicated to me. And you would be right. What can I say? I am an enigma.
T- The Price of Couches. Seriously. $2600 for a fart catcher that I am going to put my feet on and inevitably spill my sippy cup of wine all over. No m'am. I am going to be hanging on to my hand-me-down leather couch that is so dehydrated its cracking and smells of farts from Christmas past for as long as I can.
U- Unhappy Endings. Dear John and P.S. I Love You are prime examples of this crap. Look.... When I sit down to read or watch a love story, I am entering an unwritten contract with that writer. I will pay for the product and in return I expect the guy to get the girl in the end. Period. None of this bittersweet crap. I want sweep me off my feet cliches, not real life drama. Puh-lease. And I'm serious. I remember when Dear John came out and my mom and I rented it from the video store. I chucked the DVD box at the TV at the end. My mom turned to me and said, "Did you not get what was going to happen from the title? DEAR John? DEAR JOHN LETTERS!". Well, turns out I didn't. Because I don’t have time for that kind of evil in my life.
V- Varying Sizing. How am I a large in one store and a 3xl in another? This is some buuuuuullshit. Assigning arbitrary numbers to pants? And I mean.... these poor models and the ridiculous standards set for them. Can you imagine just not eating for work? So you can get into those impossibly skinny vagina high boots and crop top? Ugh, hell no. Fuck you Anna Wintour. Sunglass wearing witch.
W- Wrong Orders in the Drive Thru. I can't even. When I ask for four dipping sauces for my chicken nuggies... I mean four. Not two, not three, FOUR. And don't even get me started with when you ask for a sausage mcmuffin and they give you a sausage patty on a english muffin. And you get all huffy and are about to complain when someone points out that a sausage mcmuffin is a thing. And if I wanted egg I would have needed to order a sausage n' EGG mcmuffin. I will storm up in that restaurant and make a SCENE.
X- Xtra Cheap Garbage Bags. Mo-fos break every single time. I doubt there is much worse than picking up your own trash off your driveway (wearing pajamas) while your neighbours watch from the window.
Y- Yelling in Public. M'am, just do your grocery shopping. I do not need to hear you yelling at your man while I am trying to pick out apples. And I definitely do not need to hear about his lack of.... ahem.... girth, while trying to decide between grapes or strawberries.
Z- Ziplines. Let me explain. I have two wonderful uncles that spoil me rotten. They are two of my favourite people in this world. And although I have forgiven.... I will never forget. I went to their house in BC over a summer break for a few weeks without my parents for the first time when I was around 11 years old. And SOMEONE decided it would be fun to go ziplining at Whistler while I was there. The first indication I should have ran was when we needed to sign the consent forms to not sue if I died. The second indication was when I thought the practice line that was maybe twenty feet off the ground was awfully high. The third indication was when they had us climb into the tree tops on these rickety ass platforms and my knees went all wobbly. And the fourth indication was when we came to the first zipline that went in between TWO MOUNTAINS. I think it was 220ft in the air? Oh ya. And when I got clipped in and panicked, deciding that this was not for me and I should respectfully leave and hitch hike back down the mountain and meet my uncles at the bar when they were done..... I swear I felt a hand push me off that platform. It was either the gorgeous guide or my uncle. AND something tells me that the guide would not push a child to their death without the 'okay' nod from their guardian. Just saying.... it's awfully suspicious.
That is all :)