A List From A to M
I’m in a mood people! Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s because I was cut off coming into work the other morning. Or maybe it’s because when I showed up at work half awake (sipping on coffee and rapping along to Snoop Dogg…. Yes, Snoop. Don’t judge), that fucking building was still standing and I had to go in and do my job. Who knows really?
But maybe the things that piss me off, will also piss you off. Maybe we can bond and shit over the human experience? Or maybe you'll do some self reflection and realize that parts of yourself are included in my list. And then you’ll have an anxiety attack as you look at your inner workings and what makes you tick? Then maybe you’ll have a break down, quit your job and become hermit all BECAUSE OF ME. And this thought is now making me panic and think that I shouldn't write this.... Wait no. That's silly.
You are way more likely to just laugh, call me an asshole under your breath and move on with your day. PHEW!
But now I present to you the following; a list of things I despise…. From A-M, for your reading pleasure.
A- Anxiety. It’s misunderstood, It’s debilitating. It’s fucking exhausting.
B- Being Woken Up. If he wasn’t bigger than me, I’d unplug Scott’s alarm clock at night just to see what happens. Would that teddy bear exterior of his finally crack? I hate waking up and by extension, the people who wake me up. Scott has learned that attempting to get me up without bringing a peace offering could result in an altercation. He now wakes up 20mins before me and comes back with the promise of coffee if I go downstairs. Smart boy.
C- Competitive Crafters. Fuck you and your hand knitted dish clothes that won the regional crafters entrepreneur association award, Dolores. That’s right. I went there. You’re lucky I don’t stick a broom through your wheelchair spokes.
D- Dumbass Drivers. Red means stop. Green means go. Yellow means, speed up to make that fucking light. Also, if you can’t keep a consistent speed, that's why they invented cruise control. USE IT.
E- Envelope Glue. We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t develop a better alternative to seal envelopes than glue that tastes like ass? Come on people.
F- Fried Ice Cream. Why? It’s counter intuitive. Light cold ice cream is supposed to be refreshing. Why are we battering and deep frying it? Hipster assholes.
G- ReGifters. Throw the ugly candle holder out Debbie. Don’t regift it and continue the cycle of abuse on your friends. It's just cruel. And you'll never be invited to be a part of secret Santa again.
H- Humble Braggers. Be humble, or brag. You can’t do both. You’re not Betty White. You can’t pull it off.
I- IPAs. Look you beard having, flannel shirt wearing, starbucks drinking, nose pierced hipster dork.… IPAs do not taste good. Hoppy bears taste like earwax and belly button lint had a baby. You know how the first IPA was made? They fucked up a batch of good beer, but didn't want to waste it. Then they tricked the hipsters into drinking by charging double for it.
J- Joggers With Head Phones. You all know who you are. Jogging with music blaring, both ear buds in, on the shoulder of the road.... likely running with traffic because your brain is the size of a pee. Just because you have the right to do it, doesn't mean you should. Where is your self preservation? You people are the reason our society puts warning labels on everything.
K- Karens. I refuse to engage with these self entitled loons. There is no point in arguing with them. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
L- Lying to Nurses. Look, Brian. You’re 25 years old, skinny as a flag pole and came in with a heart attack. We know that you snort coke You’re not fooling anyone. You can either tell me how much now so I can save your life, or I’ll just wait for the urine tox screen to come back after I shove a catheter where the sun don’t shine. Got it?
M- Morning People. What kind of animal just rubs their eyes, stretches and gets up after their alarm goes off? A freaking maniac. That’s who. They can’t be trusted. Those are the people that just snap one day. One moment their making muffins, the next they are chasing the neighbour with a kitchen knife.
That is all.
P.S. You may be asking yourself, why A-M? Why not A-Z? Well that is because I have to keep y'all coming back for more. Please stay tuned for a future post; A List From N to Z.