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We're Gonna Die Here

Well I am literally at a loss for words. The amount of people reading, subscribing and giving me feedback on these last few posts has been astounding. Thank you! To be honest, up until recently, I thought that "finding a creative outlet" to help cope with mental health - and life in general - was a complete crock of crap. But I must say, these last few weeks since dedicating time in my day, for myself, to write and reflect have been life changing. I have never felt lighter. So thank you for giving me a reason to write! And I hope I have been able to give some of you a laugh or some light in the past few weeks. Please feel free to share these posts to anyone you think would enjoy them, or on your social media pages!

Now let's get to it!

Scott and I moved to the middle of nowhere, in the middle of winter, a few years ago. In hindsight, this probably was not the best idea. From a practical standpoint, it's never great to move when the snow is flying. Everything and everybody gets wet. BUT, we got through it with a lot of love and help from our family.

The first few weeks I was in complete ahh of our new home. Prior to moving in we lived in a story and a half house on the outside of an old subdivision in a very busy town. Traffic on our street 24hrs/day, neighbours so close you could hear their arguments through the thin walls, sidewalks and streetlights buzzing throughout the night. And now, some how, we lived in a four bedroom home on 3 acres of land in the middle of a farmer's field. Most of the traffic on the concession, I came to figure out very quickly, was horse and buggy. This is because the majority of the neighbouring - I use the term 'neighbouring' very loosely.... I don't think the houses are close enough to be considered neighbours - homes were occupied by Mennonites.

But my "ahh" quickly devolved over the course of a couple weeks into frustration, then sadness and then fear. I missed my family, I missed my home.... which is a TERRIBLE feeling to have. To miss something that you no longer have claim over and can never go back to. It's heart breaking. I believe I called my mom sobbing one day asking why my brother- he bought our first home from us- couldn't just give me the house back? Which was met with hysterical laughter. Thanks mom. Freaking rude! 😉

We had barely unpacked any of our belongings, so this dream home we had walked into a few weeks ago just felt empty and lonley. Darkness had a whole new meaning to me. With no street lights or traffic on the road and constant overcast snowy skies, it was pitch black out by 5:30pm. Our cats, Dotty and Elli, were so mad at us for moving they wouldn't even look in our direction, much less come for a snuggle. Scott was working long hours and overtime trying to make a name for himself at his new job. I felt alone. And I felt like we had made a huge mistake.

All of this came to a head one night when I was making dinner about six weeks later. Scott came into the kitchen, wrapped his arms around my waist, gave me a kiss and asked what I was making. Poor guy had no idea what was coming...

I unravelled pretty quickly and from what I can remember -in between my sobs and fits of coughing from inhaling tears- my rant went a little like this...

-Probably our last meal! This is a fucking murder house. Why on earth would we buy something this big? It's ridiculous. It's empty and it echoes in here. Have you looked outside lately? It's dark all of the time. There isn't even a bloody street light! We don't know anybody, and people just stare when I go to the store. You know what's going to happen, don't you? We're gonna DIE here and no one will know. Then the cats will start to eat us. Those little bitches have been giving me the side eye all week. And by the time any one is able to get to us, with these constant fucking snow storms, we will look like swiss cheese! It'll have to be a closed casket AND-

Right around here is when Scott buried my face in his chest until my yelling, and crying, stopped. When I had finally calmed down, I realized he was laughing. Apparently Scott knew that moving me this far from everything I had ever known was not going to be easy... and he was relieved that this was the extent of my freak out.

Side note, this reallllly makes me question his taste in women and his sanity. I mean seriously... He knew I was going to have a break down and he brought my crazy butt out here with him anyways? And this wasn't as bad as he was expecting. And he’s here laughing instead of running for the hills?

Anyways... he was also prepared with a secret stash of goodies in the freezer for the occasion. We spent the rest of the night sitting on the kitchen counter, eating ice cream and planning how we were going to make this place our home.

Now, I can't imagine ever going back. Some how I've ended up right where I am supposed to be.

Love, Kay

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