One of Scott's biggest pet peeves is people not getting out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning. Snooze is not a thing in his world. What kind of monster just hears his alarm, rubs his hands of over his face, rolls over and gets up? A fucking maniac, that's who. That's how people snap and become serial killers. I on the other hand am a 'sane' human being and continue to lie in bed after the alarm goes off and map out my entire day.
You know, running over the list of things every normal person does before they leave the house in the morning. Like, going around to all the windows to ensure they are all in fact locked (even though I do this at night as well... but you never when I could take up sleep walking and unknowingly wander around the house at night unlocking windows like a dare devil), making sure all the electronics in the house have their settings on 'good' numbers (TV/nest volumes, thermostat, radios, fridge and freezer settings), ensuring all fire hazards are turned off or unplugged including the stove/oven, toaster, coffeemaker etc. And listen, before you get all smug and start muttering to yourself that *this bisssch is cray cray*, I do this for you. I do this to save lives. The world could in-fact end if the TV volume isn't set to 2, 6, 12, 20, 24, 26 or 32. But thanks to me you'll never have to find out. You're welcome.
Then I realize that I am going to be late for work if I don't get out of bed. I do my hair and use my metallic orange straightener (the colour just brings me joy), brush my teeth and pick out something semi respectable to wear. I go downstairs and my house fairy has already put my lunch together and there is toast waiting for me. Scott says there is no such thing as a house fairy, but I cut him off before he can finish telling me about how a structured morning allows him the time to blah blah blah.
When I am half way to work I get a gut feeling that something is wrong. I've missed something. Then it dawns on me. The. Fucking. Straightener. Did I turn it off AND unplug it? And the inner dialgue begins. *You didn't unplug the straightner, did you?* Yes I did. I do it every morning and Scott usually double checks for me because we have been through this too many times to count, so stop. *But are you sure?* Yes I am. And I can just call Scott and he will reassure me. *Ya, but what if you went back to the bathroom after he checked and turned it back on?* Well that is ridiculous, I don't remember doing that. *Why are you worrying about this unless it was rooted in truth? This thought didn't come from no where.* No... Yes... Look just stop, we have to go to work. I am sure those things have an auto shut off regardless. *Auto shut offs fail all the time. Don't you remember that episode of Friends where Rachel burnt down the apartment?* Please stop, I don't have time to turn around and check. I'll be late for work and that just lets the team down. No one would ever understand this. *Come to think of it we also blew our nose this morning. And if the tissue is on the counter that is just kindling. The house is going to burn down!* Well, then we will rebuild. *What about the dog and the two cats? You can't rebuild them. You're a murderer.* They are going to be fine because the straightener is UNPLUGGED. *So you have now sentenced your animals to a fiery death. Do really think Scott is going to forgive you for murdering his dog? He'll say it was an accident and that he forgives you. But he won't be able to get past it and resentment will grow. Then he'll leave.* For fucks sake, PLEASE STOP! *Nah we are just getting started. What if the wind blows some the ash from you're fire to the neighbours house and you burn their hou---
"Kay, get out of bed! You have five minutes to be out of the house or you're gonna be late. I will spray you with the hose!" -- This is where Scott usually pulls me out of my trance and I realize that my morning checklist has turned into me pre-worrying about the worries I may have later.... and it's been about 45mins and if I don't get my ass out of bed I will definitely be late for work.
You'd think by now I would have some coping mechanism in place to help me get passed this crap... And I do have a few that work if I can remember to do them in my rush. Like taking a picture of the unplugged straightner or taking a video of my bathroom vanity as I back out the room. Fun right!?
So I guess this is where I should wrap this up and make some meaningful statement... ya I got nothin'. But I think we can all agree that morning people are just the worst. But also kinda the best, they run this world and I would be completely screwed without mine :)
Love Kay <3
PS... I do not use social media anymore (Facebook, Instagram etc) for a variety of reasons. Mostly because it screws with my head and causes additional anxiety. Imagine that! HA! It’s also why I turn the comments off on this blog. But please feel free to share my posts and this website on your accounts to get it out there and seen by as many people as possible who need a laugh or support. And again, thanks for reading and subscribing! New posts will be up every Sunday and Thursday.
