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The Vacuum Review You Didn't Know You Needed

I'm sure you would be just absolutely dumbfounded to find out that I am not a good housekeeper and I loathe cleaning. SHOCKING, I know. I have been told before by a many well meaning assholes that it's odd I am not a clean freak because people "like me" generally keep things obsessively tidy. Ha! Well I am here to tell you all that that is simply not true. I am a shining example that you can suffer from crippling obsessive thoughts and also be sloven. You can have both! DARE TO DREAM!

Sorry, got a little side tracked there. Anywaaaays, I don't like cleaning and have avoided it my entire life. Why put things away when you can stuff them under your bed or in a cupboard? Why dust when you can run your sleeve across the filthy side table and come away with that completely satisfying ball of disgusting?

Unfortunately though, having two cats- and a dog- that shed like muthafuckas means the house gets real disgusting, real fast, if I don't vacuum daily. It's such a time suck. So when I saw one of those robotic vacuums on sale at the local haberdashery for $150 off, I immediately bought it and decided to put it to the test. And I thought I'd share the fun, and copious notes I took, with all of you. You're welcome....

Notes for the Vacuum Review

1107h- Just got home and opened the box. Wow is he pretty! Wait, why do I think it's a he? That's weird..... you'd think the vacuum would be a she, right? Oh well.

1115h- It was a struggle but I set up the docking station and he is now charging. Indi is already looking at him like he is the enemy. There could be an epic battle coming.

1206h- I read the instructions and set up the app on my phone that controls him. Super easy and you have to name him. I decided on Kevin. It's a good vacuum name, don't you think?

1245h- It's still charging.

1326h- I was having visions of the cat riding Kevin around house and have decided that this has to happen. I thought that getting them acquainted while Kevin's charging would be a good start. So I snatched Dotty off the bed while she was napping and tried to put her on top of Kevin. Little bitch just scratched the hell out of me.

1430h- Still not fully charged, but I can't wait any longer. I think I just have to push the big button on the top.... yes! Let's do this. Annnnnnnd go!

1433h- Kevin is a fucking moron. He has hit the same spot on the wall three times and keeps going back for more. Aren't these things suppose to have sensors!? He is ramming into the wall so hard that I'm surprised he's not leaving dents. Idiot.

1435h- Actually maybe I am the idiot for falling for the hype and actually dropping $250 on this thing. Nah, that can't be it. It's definitely Kevin.

1445h- The dog is prancing around on her tippy toes and looking at me like, "What have you done" and "Give me the signal and I will fuck this thing up mom!". I might let her.

1500h- Well looky here.... Kevin is getting the hang of this. That's really- whoa. He just turned before he hit the couch... how'd he know?

1512h- Kevin hasn't hit a thing in 20 mins and it is freaking me out. Is he learning?

1515h- Kevin is definitely learning. This is so wrong and how the machines will take over. First they are our vacuums and next they are our overlords.

1520h- Yep we're done. I'm throwing Kevin out. Or returning him. But I am getting him the fuck out of my house! I'm not having no learning robots in my house. The dog was right, this thing is shifty and shouldn't be trusted.

1535h- Scott caught me trying to throw Kevin in the garbage outside. Apparently I can't throw Kevin away because, "It's a waste of money, blah blah blah. What did you think was going to happen, blah blah blah". I am going to tell Scott if he lets Kevin stay here and it starts rallying the TV and toaster against us, I will blame him entirely.

1540h- Apparently that is a risk that Scott is willing to take, and Kevin is staying. Pray for us.


P.S. We have had Kevin for a week and the house has never been cleaner. So I guess overall I would recommend him.

P.S Also did anyone get my sly John Mulaney reference? Haberdashery. Radio City? No? Get your freaking life together and go watch John Mulaney’s standup special Radio City on Netflix. It will change your life!


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